A Confidence Boost💪

Sunday, April 12

오늘도 밀린 블로그를 쓰면서, 여러 프로젝트에 관해 기록해뒀던 것들을 깔끔하게 정리했다. 난 기억력이 썩 좋지 않은 편이라 당장 지난주에 뭘 했는지도 생각이 잘 안 날 때가 많은데, 이제는 확실히 기록이 습관이 되어서 좀 덜 깜빡하는 것 같다 ㅎㅎ 그리고 노트를 적는 그 당시에 들었던 생각과 감정을 다시 들여다볼 때면, 의외로 새로운 방향의 물꼬가 되는 경험을 여러 번 했다. 평생을 이런 형식으로 매일매일 기록하겠다는 확신은 없지만, 최소한 내가 어떤 생각들을 하며 사는지는 쉽게 쓰윽 살펴볼 수 있는 형식으로는 쭉 하려고 한다. 오후에는 20일에 같이 practice를 하는 두 동기 친구들과 학교에서 만나 각자 일을 하다가, 다시 돌아와서 이것저것 월요일에 보낼 메일을 미리 작성해두고 간만에 일찍 잠에 들었다.

Today, while catching up on my blog posts, I also neatly organized the notes I had written down about several projects. My memory is not that great, so I often cannot even remember what I did just last week. But now that taking notes has definitely become a habit, I think I forget things a little less. Also, when I look back at the thoughts and emotions I had at the time I wrote those notes, I have often found that they unexpectedly open up a new direction. I am not sure if I will keep writing every single day in this format for the rest of my life, but at least I want to continue using some kind of format that lets me easily skim through the thoughts I have been living with. In the afternoon, I met up at school with two friends from my cohort who will do a qualifying exam practice with me on the 20th. We each worked on our own things, and after coming back home, I drafted a few emails to send on Monday and went to bed early for the first time in a while.

Monday, April 13

오전 Shokat Lab 그룹 미팅 이후에, 오랜만에 DeGrado Lab subgroup meeting에 참여했다. TA 시간과 겹쳤어서 참석을 못 해왔었는데, grading도 다 마무리해서 이제는 제시간에 함께할 수 있게 되었다. 물론 두 랩의 모든 일정에 참석하는 게 쉽지만은 않지만, 방향을 확고히 하고 조언을 받을 기회는 흔치 않기에 난 좋다고 본다. 특히 연구 주제에 큰 변화가 있고 난 직후에는. 대부분의 시간을 수요일 미팅을 준비하는 데 썼다. 긴장된다기보다는 어떻게 발표해야 할지 아직 확신이 안 드는 게 걱정이다.

After the Shokat Lab group meeting in the morning, I joined the DeGrado Lab subgroup meeting for the first time in a while. It had been overlapping with my TA hours, so I had not been able to attend, but now that grading is all finished, I can join on time again. Of course, attending all the meetings from both labs is not exactly easy, but I think it is a good thing because chances to clarify my direction and get advice are rare. Especially right after a major change in my research topic. I spent most of the day preparing for Wednesday’s meeting. I am not so much nervous as worried that I still do not feel fully sure how I should present it.

Tuesday, April 14

마지막 저널클럽 이후에 Huang Lab의 postdoc에게 side project 관련해서 내가 합성한 chemical을 건네주고, Jim과 qualifying exam discussion meeting을 잡았다. 오후에는 드디어 Bill을 만나 내가 만든 calculator를 직접 사용해보며 의견을 나눴다. Bill이 좋은 아이디어를 줘서, 내일이 바로 Kevan과도 함께하는 3자 미팅인데 그때까지 기능을 구현한 후 의논해보면 아주 좋을 것 같다. 내일은 내 DGL group meeting presentation도 있어서, 거의 일 년에 한 번만 하는 거라 부담이 좀 있다. 오랜만에 밤늦게까지 준비를 했다.

After the last journal club class, I gave a chemical I synthesized to a postdoc in the Huang Lab for a side project, and I scheduled a qualifying exam discussion meeting with Jim. In the afternoon, I finally met with Bill and we discussed the calculator I made while actually using it together. Bill gave me a good idea, and since tomorrow is the three-person meeting with Kevan as well, it would be great if I could implement that function by then and discuss it together. Tomorrow I also have my DGL group meeting presentation, which only happens about once a year, so I feel a bit pressured. I stayed up late preparing for the first time in a while.

Wednesday, April 15

Presentation, joint meeting, SKL group meeting까지 정신없는 하루였지만, 기분이 좋은 하루였다. 일단 내 발표가 꽤 성공적으로 끝났고, 3자 미팅에서도 드디어 의견을 잘 모아서 이제는 proposal 작성에 몰두할 수 있게 되었다. 오늘 미팅이 끝나고 Bill과 Kevan에게 감사 이메일을 보냈다. 사실 내가 어찌 보면 아직 랩에 들어간 지 일 년도 되지 않았는데, 계속해서 내가 납득이 되지 않으면 끈질기게..ㅎㅎ 물어보고 놓아주질 않아서 두 분이 시간을 많이 써주셨기 때문이다. 물론 나의 이 태도에 후회는 없다. 내가 필요성에 대해 깊게 납득하지 못한 것에 내 인생에서 가장 많은 시간을 투자하고 싶지는 않았기 때문. 그럼에도 군대를 포함해서 일단 까라면 까야 하는 한국의 여러 환경에 있다가 보니, 이게 얼마나 감사한 것인지 알게 됐다. 답장 메일이 너무 따뜻해서 여기에 남겨 오래 간직하고 싶다.

Sungwon,  We live to have the opportunity to engage with students of your capacity and willingness to challenge challenging problems!  You are exceptional in that regard.  You are greatly appreciated and valued.

Please never change!

Bill

ditto on all these comments, I’m having a great time working with both of you on this project!
k

It was a hectic day, from my presentation to the joint meeting and then the SKL group meeting, but it was a good day. First of all, my presentation went pretty successfully, and during the three-way meeting, we finally managed to align our opinions well, so now I can focus on writing the proposal. After today’s meeting, I sent a thank-you email to Bill and Kevan. In a way, I have not even been in the lab for a full year yet, but whenever I did not fully understand something, I kept asking questions persistently, and would not let it go, so both of them spent a lot of time with me. Of course, I do not regret having this attitude. I simply did not want to invest the most time in my life into something whose necessity I did not deeply understand. Still, after being in many Korean environments, including the military, where you are often just expected to do what you are told, I have come to realize how grateful I should be for this. Their reply emails were so warm that I want to leave them here and keep them for a long time.

Sungwon, We live to have the opportunity to engage with students of your capacity and willingness to challenge challenging problems!  You are exceptional in that regard.  You are greatly appreciated and valued.

Please never change!

Bill

ditto on all these comments, I’m having a great time working with both of you on this project!
k

Thursday, April 16

벌써 치과를 다녀온 지 반년이 되어서 최근에 검진 예약이 잡혔고, 오전 일찍 다녀왔다. 한국의 단골 치과와는 다르게 여기는 종종 치과의사분이 바뀌어서 썩 마음에 들어하지는 않았는데, 이번에 바뀐 분은 정말… 대충 하시길래 이제는 다시 가고 싶지 않아졌다. 한국에 갔을 때 진료를 받는 게 좋긴 하겠지만, 그럼에도 학교가 보장해주는 보험으로 일 년에 두 번은 무료 클리닝 검진을 받을 수 있기에 다른 곳을 좀 진지하게 찾아봐야 할 것 같다. 오후에는 종빈이랑 윤서 누나랑 함께 또 제넨텍 근처 스벅으로 각자 할 일을 하러 갔다. 이제 정말 자격시험이 얼마 남지 않았고, 다음 주 월요일까지는 최종 완성본을 학과에 제출해야 하기에 부지런히 일을 했다. 카페 마감 시간까지 알차게 하고, 코스트코에 다녀왔다. 종빈이가 차가 있어서 요즘 부쩍 많이 얻어타고 있는데, 최대한 보답을 해주려고는 하지만 부족하지 않나 싶다 ㅎㅎ (고마워) 퀄 끝나고 부모님이 방문하시는데, 그 이후에는 본격적으로 나도 면허 준비를 해봐야겠다.

It had already been half a year since I last went to the dentist, so I recently had a checkup scheduled and went early in the morning. Unlike my regular dentist in Korea, the dentist here often changes, which I have never really liked. But the new dentist this time was really… careless (I would say), so now I do not want to go back anymore. It would be nice to get dental care when I go to Korea, but since the school insurance covers two free cleanings and checkups per year, I think I should seriously look for another place. In the afternoon, I went to the Starbucks near Genentech again with 종빈 and 윤서 so that each of us could work on our own things. The qualifying exam is really coming up soon now, and I have to submit the final version of the proposal to the department by next Monday, so I worked hard. We stayed productive until the cafe closed, and then went to Costco. Since 종빈 has a car, I have been getting rides from him a lot these days. I try to return the favor as much as I can, but I wonder if it is still not enough (thank you). After the qual, my parents are visiting, and after that, I should seriously start preparing for my driver’s license too.

Friday, April 17

오늘 qual committee 중 한 명인 Jim을 만나서 지금까지 많이 변한 proposal에 대해 논의했다. 정말 다행히도 만족스럽게 잘 마무리되었고, 주제를 바꾸면서 내가 했던 분석들에 대해 칭찬을 많이 해주셨다. 몇 달 전 처음 만났을 때 상당한 피드백을 들은 것과 많이 대비되어서 (그때 생각하면 참 부족하긴 했다) 더 기분이 좋았던 것 같다! 미팅이 끝나고 Bill과 Kevan에게 Jim과의 미팅을 요약해서, 추가적으로 퀄 이후에 고려해볼 만한 방향성 (더 약물 개발과 직접 관련이 있을 수 있도록)에 대한 메일을 보냈는데 아주 힘이 되는 답장을 받았다…!

Thanks Sungwon.  I think Jim, Kevan and I are all similarly minded about the need to do rigorous boundary-pushing fundamental work for a thesis, but as long as you are doing all the work it is nice to connect it to a potential therapy.  Having said that, it is long road to a therapeutic!

My suggestion is the same as his, don’t change anything right now other than making minor revisions to your proposal as requested by the other committee members.  Beyond this, taking a week to totally chill and relax before the prelim is the best advice I can offer.  You are very ready now, so take some time to get perspective and to be sure you are in a very nice frame of mind as you go through this important step along the way to your PhD.  You will ace the exam, so continue to take absorb knowledge from all these stars in the field on your committee!

Bill

Excellent, I echo all of Bill’s comments, so glad you had a great productive discussion with Jim, I’m glad we are all coming around to the same understanding about the project and your readiness!

Best,
Kevan

갑자기 자신감이 넘치게 되는 ㅋㅋ… 이후엔 계속 proposal을 쓰다가 잠깐 DGL Happy Hour에 들르고, 집에 가서 계속 proposal을 쓴 후 늦은 밤에서야 draft를 보냈다. 아마 주말 내내 계속 수정해야 할 것 같다! 화이팅.

Today, I met with Jim, one of my qual committee members, to discuss the proposal, which has changed significantly so far. Thankfully, the meeting ended very well, and he complimented me a lot on the analyses I had done while changing the topic. It felt especially good because it was such a contrast to when I first met him a few months ago and received a lot of feedback. Thinking back, I really was lacking a lot at that time. After the meeting, I emailed Bill and Kevan to summarize my meeting with Jim and also shared some possible directions to consider after the qual, especially directions that could connect the project more directly to drug development. I received a very encouraging reply…!

Thanks Sungwon.  I think Jim, Kevan and I are all similarly minded about the need to do rigorous boundary-pushing fundamental work for a thesis, but as long as you are doing all the work it is nice to connect it to a potential therapy.  Having said that, it is long road to a therapeutic!

My suggestion is the same as his, don’t change anything right now other than making minor revisions to your proposal as requested by the other committee members.  Beyond this, taking a week to totally chill and relax before the prelim is the best advice I can offer.  You are very ready now, so take some time to get perspective and to be sure you are in a very nice frame of mind as you go through this important step along the way to your PhD.  You will ace the exam, so continue to take absorb knowledge from all these stars in the field on your committee!

Bill

Excellent, I echo all of Bill’s comments, so glad you had a great productive discussion with Jim, I’m glad we are all coming around to the same understanding about the project and your readiness!

Best,
Kevan

It suddenly made me feel full of confidence…🥹 After that, I kept writing the proposal, stopped by the DGL Happy Hour for a bit, then went home and continued writing the proposal until I finally sent the draft late at night. I will probably have to keep revising it throughout the weekend💪

Saturday, April 18

감사하게도 주말임에도 피드백을 바로 보내주셔서 오늘은 말 그대로 하루 종일 쓰고 고치고.. 그래도 거의 다 마무리한 것 같고, 수정본을 보내드렸다. 내일 최종적으로 확인받고 내면 될 것 같다! 참 figure 만드는 건 너무나 시간이 많이 걸리는데, 요즘에 기술들이 비약적으로 발전하고 있는 것 같아 기대가 된다.

Thankfully, even though it was the weekend, they sent me feedback right away, so today I literally spent the whole day writing and revising.. Still, I think it is almost finished, and I sent them the revised version. I think I can get final confirmation tomorrow and submit it! Making figures really takes so much time, but I feel like some tools have been improving dramatically again these days, so I am excited.